Death is not the hard part.  The hard part is before death.  It is the pain and suffering.  It is the indecision and worry.  The agony comes before so that the death is a release, a freedom and a new beginning.  Tinker was released from his pain and suffering today and so was I.  

We, Steve and I, took him to the vet at 8:45 am.  Tinker seemed to remember because he got in the SUV fairly easily and jumped out easily once we got there.  The vet looked him over and asked questions.  She said that he either had Valley fever or cancer.  She said we could treat him with more antibiotics and valley fever medicine.  She could do more xrays and tests.  She said that he would never get completely well no matter what we did and he would probably die anyway.  Then she said we could have a few minutes to decide what to do and she left.  It was difficult for me to decide because Tinker was such a sweet boy.  I asked Steve what to do and I decided that ending it today was the best thing for all of us.  When we told the vet, she said we made the right decision.  She could not and would not decide for us but she said it was right.  

So, I hugged Tinker around his long fuzzy neck and told him "Thank you, Tinker".  I cried and let him go.  I did not stay for the vet to do her job.  She said it would be painless for Tinker but I want to remember him alive so I left.  Steve took me home and I am doing the every day things again, laundry, watching grand kids and planning dinner.  

Tinker was my first and favorite alpaca.  He had the best personality and always liked attention.  He hummed his greeting to me everyday until he got sick and he was not afraid.  He watched out for danger and gave his alarm call to warn the others.  He fought his brother bravely until they were separated.  He endured all his treatments and shearing without complaint.  He taught me about alpacas, the good parts and the difficult parts.  He will live on in my mind and my pictures.  Thank you Tinker.